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"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect." -Anaïs Nin
Composing a Past Scene9/25/2018 My hands nervously traced the cold trampoline as I recalled the last few months of coming to terms with my discovery. I had never met anyone who was bisexual before I met Lauren; I never actually knew what it was. I did know, though, that the moment she told me about her sexuality, something inside of me clicked into place.
When I met Lauren it was warm out and I felt on top of the world. On the trampoline, months later, I still felt the same euphoria I felt that day in August. With every cold wind that November brought I felt as though they were entering my veins and filling me with life. I felt so certain I was who I was meant to be. I had never felt so sure of anything up to that point in my life. I felt like everything finally made so much sense. I was at my dad’s house, but he wasn’t the one I felt comfortable sharing my news with. I felt like I needed my mom’s approval and appreciation. In that moment, engulfed in the nature that wrapped my house, I felt the as if the world was standing behind me. I felt the warmth of the bright, gray sky shining on me. I picked my phone up and covered the screen, as to deflect the sun’s glare on the glass, to get to my mom’s contact. I stared at her name for 20 minutes, contemplating whether or not I should wait until I see her next week. I decided that if I didn’t do it right then and there that I wouldn’t be able to sleep that night. I would have felt like I was lying to her, and that meant something to me back then. I tapped on the call option. It rang almost for the whole duration of picking-up time. “Hello?” My mom asked. “Mom I have something to tell you,” I paused. I paused for a very long time. Without her saying anything I could feel her growing impatient. “What’s going on? Are you okay?” I knew those words came from the fear of me harming myself and her having to pay for therapy that week. I grew very uncomfortable. I felt how much I was bothering her. “Kar, seriously? Answer me.” “I don’t know if I can…” I said, trailing off at the realization that I didn’t have a jacket on. The sun was being covered by thicker, grayer clouds now. I was very aware of my physical position. I so badly wanted to go inside, but I felt paralyzed. “Did you hurt yourself?” “No.” “Then what?” “I can’t!” “You will or I am hanging up! I’m busy, Karli.” Knowing I didn’t have much time left, I quickly stated, “I’m bisexual.” It got completely silent for maybe 2 seconds before my mom let out a laugh. My ears started to pound as they burned up with embarrassment. “No you’re not, Karli Lian. It’s always something else with you. You always have to be something.” She said, still laughing. “Mom, I am serious.” I said, now starting to cry. My heart felt so heavy. “I’m telling you, you aren’t. You’re going through another phase. Now stop.” She was getting angry with me. I was so shocked and hurt. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. “I don’t have time for this right now. You need to stop with your shit and stop filling your head with nonsense. In a matter of weeks you will come back to me and retract everything you are saying. Quit it. Goodbye.” I pulled my phone away from my face, my other hand pinned to my leg, and watched as her name disappeared. I tossed my phone in front of me and put my hands in my lap. I felt so empty and cold. My once favorite weather suddenly made me feel unbearably alone. I truly felt the weight of the fall turning into winter. I looked around and noticed just how gray everything was. Everything looked so dead. The trees were almost completely bare. I was all so uninviting. I searched around for anything that would offer me comfort, but to my dismay, I was stuck by myself. I wrapped my arms around myself the best I could and layed on my side; a familiar process.
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Composing a Present Scene9/11/2018 Ten minutes into driving around town, listening and singing our favorite songs, Steve and I finally find parking. It is midnight so our quarter-less selves were in luck. We get out, excited, already anticipating the beauty our favorite spot entails. It is so thoughtless, the way we end up in front of the parking garage. It has become second nature.
We race up the stairs, forgetting, (but quickly remembering), our tar-ridden lungs do not agree with these sort of activities. I jump up on the ledge and instinctively cock my heads towards Steve. I know the struggle he faces with this move. I like to take a mental note of what separates him from I. "That won't always be so hard," I say, smiling at him. "It just freaks me out," he says, embarrassed. I feel bad that he mistook my comment as a jab at his fears. We are 3 stories up, after all. There is another ledge where our feet hang. I feel safer in that sense; I suppose his fears run too deep to let that ease his mind. Cars start to pass by on the street below. They disappear when they are under the ledge, only to pop back out on the other side where the traffic light is. I realize that we have't talked in at most two minutes, so I break the silence, "I feel like I can breathe when I am up here." He smiles and nods his head. "It makes me forget what is going on in my life. I feel so present here." He says, as if he was reading my mind. "Everything just makes more sense up here, " I say, staring at the radio towers in the distance. "The world looks so small, yet so wide. I feel like I can see the rest of it in my mind when I focus on one area, but I look in another direction and it is a constant reminder that I cannot. It feels nice regardless. I like that it's not mine to understand." I feel him keeping up with what I am saying. I know he knows what I mean, through all of the vagueness of my words. We sit in silence again, this time less tense than before. I no longer feel the need to fill the empty space. I feel like the world around us does not include our beings. I feel as though we are very separate from everything that it going on, almost in another plain. "Barnaby's looks packed tonight," Steve says, fixated on a group of twenty-something year-olds. I avert my gaze from the towers to join his observation. I watch them all as they enter the bar and exit my view. I look past Steve, at the cars heading under the ledge. I watch them disappear and then shift my body to watch them reappear at the light. I don't repeat this process. The Proust Questionnaire9/10/2018 There are many ways you can learn about another person, but sometimes it is just as simple and asking them. In my answers to the Proust questions, I have given some insight of who I am and the way I think.
__1.__What is your idea of perfect happiness? While I do not believe “perfect” happiness is realistic, I do think the closest I could get to it would be somewhere around this time of year. When I envision happiness I see myself surrounded by the smells that remind me of Halloween, walking along nature. __2.__What is your greatest fear? My greatest fear is the inevitability of death. Not only is it utterly horrifying that no one truly knows what happens when you die, but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. __3.__What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? My incessant need to make sense of everything. On the other end, though, it is one of my favorite traits I harbor. __4.__What is the trait you most deplore in others? I do not tolerate ignorance. If I see someone mistreating another person, who has not hurt themselves or anything else, I lose my shit. __5.__Which living person do you most admire? I admire myself. I don’t mean that in a snobby way, I just enjoy the person I am. I see my flaws and constantly work to improve them. I work extremely hard to get to where I want to be and to be who I want to be. Although looking at another person for inspiration could be healthy and positive for others, I have found that looking to myself for strength and courage has been the most beneficial to my causes. I am the one who gives consent to how I feel and the things that I do, so it only makes sense that I admire myself. I have yet to find another person with every value I share that I “look up to”. __6.__What is your greatest extravagance? I find it really hard to resist the urge of spending money when it comes to shows. I am always in the mood for going to concerts. __7.__What is your current state of mind? Currently, I am in a decent state of mind. I don’t think I could commit to saying I am on any end of the spectrum. I’m just fine. __8.__What do you consider the most overrated virtue? I think chastity is the most overrated virtue. The stipulation around sex being a sacred thing is just a social construct men made to keep their women “pure” and “special”, when in reality our bodies were designed for it. As long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else, I think that your body is yours to do as you please with it. __9.__On what occasion do you lie? I very seldom lie. I grew up Catholic so the fear of the Devil grabbing at my ankles at night if I told a lie was instilled into my brain at a young age. As I got older, I dropped my religion but still valued honesty. If I lie it is through omission, where the person who wants certain information does not necessarily own the right to it. __10.__What do you most dislike about your appearance? My chin. __11.__Which living person do you most despise? Donald Trump. I am not super political but he is a waste of precious resources. __12.__What is the quality you most like in a man? Sympathy. __13.__What is the quality you most like in a woman? Sympathy. __14.__Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Close your eyes and open your mind.” __15.__What or who is the greatest love of your life? Myself. __16.__When and where were you happiest? At the top of the parking garage in West Chester. __17.__Which talent would you most like to have? To play the piano beautifully. __18.__If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? To let go of some things. __19.__What do you consider your greatest achievement? Getting here today. __20.__If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? Myself. __21.__Where would you most like to live? Colorado, Oregon, or San Francisco. __22.__What is your most treasured possession? My hands. __23.__What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Where you are so displeased with who you are as a person, that rather than trying to help yourself, you try to bring others down. __24.__What is your favorite occupation? Getting to be an influencer of some kind. __25.__What is your most marked characteristic? My empathy. __26.__What do you most value in your friends? Trust. __27.__Who are your favorite writers? Emily Bronte & Dr. Seuss __28.__Who is your hero of fiction? The tree in The Giving Tree. __29.__Which historical figure do you most identify with? Honestly, I don’t know. __30.__Who are your heroes in real life? My friend, Angelina Farinella, is the strongest person I have ever met. She has endured so much loss and hardships, yet continues to push herself and help others. __31.__What are your favorite names? Stella, Sebastian, Scarlet, Violet, Harper. __32.__What is it that you most dislike? Ignorance. __33.__What is your greatest regret? I try not to feel regret towards any decisions I have made. __34.__How would you like to die? I wouldn’t. __35.__What is your motto? “There is balance in everything.” KARLII write here. ARCHIVES
December 2018
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